*Updated 1/7/2014*
**I would LOVE for you to comment on this post (or on the facebook link, if you would prefer.) and tell me your story. You can even comment anonymously!
Yall- writing this post was so liberating to me. But, posting it on facebook was
terrifying. However, I could not be more proud of myself. Just admitting what I am going through and getting so many responses of people with similar struggles, has been so therapeutic.
As you comment, read the other comments-
without passing judgment. Remember, you don't know someone else's history. It is difficult to put things on the internet that you struggle with, people accepting this challenge are brave. As you read the comments,
pray for those people.
Lift them up. If you read a story of triumph,
thank God for that person. If you read a story of dismay,
Lift them up. None of us are without sin and we all fall short of the Glory.
Let's spread peace and prayer!**
Hello Reader!
It's been awhile. If I don't get better at posting, I'm going to have to change my blog name to Quarterly Quotes from Quinn's Wife. Ha!
While on the subject of being a better blogger... I want to talk about my list of goals for 2015.
Megan at
More Sweet Tea, Please had a wonderful idea that really hit home with me. (Megan, I hope you don't mind me borrowing your idea!). She posted a bucket list for 2015, as opposed to the traditional New Year's Resolutions.
2014 brought so many wonderful things and people into my life.
It also took some great people and brought some hard times.
I want so badly to make 2015 my year.
As many of you know, I resigned from Kennett Public Schools at the beginning of December. For many reasons, it was just the right move for my family and I at this time. I am looking into other job opportunities. I'm hoping that God will open up an opportunity for me soon. Until then, I will be launching an Etsy store and investing in some new things with Created in Chaos. I am so thankful for my CiC customers and hopefully will have some awesome new products for you soon.
As for my 2015 Bucket List, I have several objectives, but my first is this: To start liking me.
I am going to be brutally honest here. It is really hard to put this on the internet for everyone to read and see, but I can't fully commit to a new me until I openly acknowledge things with the old me.
I am struggling and have struggled with depression for quite some time.
Please, don't think that I am writing this so that people will call, text, comment, or reach out in any form with sympathies. As a matter of fact, those things make it worse. If there is one thing worse than not liking yourself, it's letting other people know that you don't like you.
I have built a life based on people thinking my life is lollipops and gumdrops. But, it isn't.
Life is hard, ya'll.
And, what makes things worse is- I don't really have a reason to be depressed. From the outside looking in, I have a lot going on for me. I have a husband that I love dearly, and he loves me unconditionally. He loves me when I haven't showered for 2 days and you could fry an egg with the grease from my hair. He loves me when I've sat in the recliner watching Love It or List It for 8 hours, while he has been working and our laundry is piling up.
I'm so grateful for him, but I don't deserve him.
I am privileged to be Eli's momma. He is truly the most wonderful little boy in the world. And God gave him to me at a time when the last thing I wanted was to be someone's momma. But, He knew what I needed and I am so thankful for that. Eli has been my saving grace many times in his short life. I'm so grateful for him, but I don't deserve him.
I could literally call Faye, Mom, Keith, Hannah, Magen, Dad, Beck, Pop, Uncle, or any number of family members at any time and they would come save me from whatever is going on.
And they have...
I'm so grateful for them, but I don't deserve them.
I have a host of friends, some that I have known since I was 3 some that I have only known a few months- but, I know that they would do anything in their power to make things better or easier for me. I'm so grateful for them, but I don't deserve them.
Again, I can assure you I'm not saying all of this for you all to think "Wow! Felicia is lucky."
I know how good I have it, the point is- you don't have to have a reason to be depressed. You don't have to seek out depression. It will find you. On good days and bad. It will find you on Christmas morning. It will find you at a funeral. It will wake you up from a dead sleep. You can't hide from depression.
If you struggle with depression there is no need for me to explain. If you have never struggled with depression, consider yourself lucky. It is so much more than a bad day. It goes much deeper than a bad mood. Depression is anxiety attacks when the phone rings.. It's laying in bed until 4 am, arguing with yourself about why you can't just be happy. Depression is wanting to get up clean the closet, do the laundry, cook for your family- but not being able to. Depression is yelling and hurting people who love you because all you want to do is push them away. Because, in your head- you are saving them from a relationship with you. Depression is dreading holidays. Dreading people asking you about what is going on in your life because, you don't really care what is going on. Depression is counting down the hours, minutes, seconds until you can get back in bed and fall into the darkness that is your mind. Depression is a dark, endless, never ending tunnel and you have no flashlight.
Not everyone dealing with depression harms himself, physically. Depression is just as much, if not more mental. It's like being in a nightmare- but you are your own bad guy.
This whole post is probably shocking to those of you who only know me via social media. It is probably even shocking to some of my friends and family members. Most people read the things I post or share and think I have it going on. I'm totally in control. I've played this game long enough to be good at it. Until recently, I've always been able to hide behind jokes and snarky comments. I've always been able to make other people laugh and smile. By nature, I am a "fixer". If you are dealing with a loss, I would normally be the person to come clean your house, bring paper plates, a cooler, help organize things to make it easier on you. If you are sad or upset-I'm usually the person that will send you some stupid picture I found on google or photoshopped. If you need someone to talk to, I'm usually the person who will listen. I think that I do these things because it helps me to see that other people struggle. Other people fall down. I'm not the only one.
But, I have figured out that I am going to have fix me, too. I am going to have to work on Felicia, and that is what this year is going to be about. And I know that I'm not going to be able to do it alone. I am going to build a stronger relationship with God this year. I'm not going to only seek Him when I'm down. I am going to praise him through the storm and through the sunshine. I want Eli to see his mother happy, everyday.
I'm not going to be ashamed or afraid to sit alone in church. I'm not going to be embarrassed by past mistakes.
I'm going to beat depression, and God is going to help me.
And hopefully, everything else will fall into place.
This blog will be my journal. Writing is therapeutic for me. I will use this to document my journey. My struggles. My triumphs. There will be good posts and sad ones. But, it will always be me.
